I wanted to share my learning experience with all of you. This was written on my personal blog about a month ago:
As I was at my OBGYN appointment two weeks ago, I started to feel a
little nervous. Such is always the case when I have to get my blood
drawn. This was the glucose test. I tried to eat minimal carbohydrates
and sugar since the night before which threw off my comfort because I
was trying so hard to pass that glucose test. I was also a little
nervous to see what would happen during the ultrasound. We had a second
ultrasound to see how her heart was doing. There is nothing wrong with
her heart as far as we can see, but seeing the little white spot
bouncing around in her heart during the last ultrasound made me more
inclined to want to check it out and they were more than willing. She
has an intracardiac echogenic focus. They say quite a few babies have
it, but some of those babies have down syndrome. I am not really
worried. Down syndrome doesn't run in our family and the white spot
alone isn't the best indicator that she will have it. Even if she does
have down syndrome, Eric and I will still be thrilled to have her as our
child. I was still nervous to see the ultrasound in case something else
came up though. I was also feeling a little frustrated because I was
having one of those days where I felt really uncomfortable. I have on
and off days, and that day was definitely an off day. While I was
trying to relax and gear up for the poke, I went into the bathroom and
looked at my belly in the mirror. I had a life changing moment. I
spoke to her, like I tend to do at times. Don't worry, I was pretty
quiet. I said, *sigh* "I hate doing all these things baby, but I am
doing them for you. I will gladly do them even if I hate them since it
is the only way to get you here." Then I thought to myself, "If the only
way to get you here was to go through this entire experience all over
again, I would do it." I knew I loved her, but I didn't realize how much
until that moment.
Eric and I talked about this
later. We noticed that we loved our baby at the moment we knew that she
existed. In a lot of relationships, love has to take it's time to
grow. But with this child it has been effortless. Things may change as
she is growing and will do things that drive us crazy, but what I hear
from other parents is that you still love them no matter what they do.
This reminded us of both the Savior and our Heavenly Father. Heavenly
Father has loved us just for existing. We haven't been able to do
nearly as much for Him as he has done for us, yet he still keeps on
giving and loving. The Savior went through so much pain and suffering
for each and every one of us because of his love for each of us
individually. I can imagine him saying something similar to what I told
my baby girl, "If I needed to go through all that suffering again to
get you to return to me, I would." I don't have multiple kids yet, but I
can see a better glimpse as to how Heavenly Father can love each of us
individually and want so much for each and every one of us. It was easy
for me to comprehend that he loved us collectively and wanted all of us
to return to him, but it was difficult for me to understand it on a
more individual basis. I knew He loved me individually but it was hard
for me to understand that He had such a strong love for all of his
children and has a personal relationship with all the countless billions
of us. I can see how my parents keep a good relationship with all of
us, but there are only four of us kids! I guess the idea of loving so
many people so deeply is still mind-blowing to me, but I can better
imagine what it is like. The same goes for the atonement. I understood
it as a collective event because Jesus Christ loves us all
collectively. I knew He loved me as an individual but it was a little
hard for me to comprehend that He died for me individually when there
were so many of us he was suffering and dying for. After I had those
feelings of being willing to suffer for just one of my children, I can
better understand that He suffered for each of us on an individual basis
as well.
How wonderful it is to have the gospel and
experience little hints of how much love comes from our Savior and our
Heavenly Parents. I love this baby girl and Eric more than anything in
this world and I am so blessed to have them.
