I often ask myself this question:
"Do all mothers feel the same way I do? Like they are failing...like they will never be the kind of mother they wish they could be?"
Answering that question may be a different feat for every mother. So my thoughts are on how I have felt about that question today. Yes, babies can be very draining to a mother's energy. The more my baby cries, the more I feel like I am going to lose my mind.
But what I realized in his time of need was that I needed to be more fully present and understand his ordeals. He is just so little and so many think that such a small being isn't capable of much feeling or thought at all. But I disagree with those who would say that. I think my baby is aware of much. And although his memory may not be fully developed as of yet, his feelings are present..... until they change.
What I had to admit to myself lately was that I need to be less selfish. It feels like I had nothing much going on in my life until my little boy came into the world. I spent way too much time entertaining myself...basically just waiting for him to show up. And now that he is here I feel like suddenly I have all these pursuits that I have been undertaking and sometimes because of them I cannot give myself fully over to being a mother. And it isn't that my pursuits are bad or dishonest. It is that I let them overwhelm me, and take more time than I ought to sometimes.
It is funny what music can do for our hearts.
My husband was a dear and suggested something that I had never uttered the other day, but that I was feeling and thinking about already. That was to play the music from a CD I got at a baby shower for the baby while he is going to sleep. We just had been using the mobile and other little fishy contraption for this purpose. But that music doesn't play very long and I don't know if it is really best suited for helping a baby fall asleep. Anyway we pulled out my old CD player that I was sure wasn't working well, and put the CD in it. We have been playing it the last few days for him while he sleeps. I think it must affect him in a better way than the chimes do/did. It affects me in a much better way.
I wrap him up in a blankie, turn on the music and just give him all of the snuggles and love from my heart. I decided to just listen to the music with my heart instead of focusing on "When is this baby going to fall asleep???!" (so I could go get something done) Wow. You know what? That approach real well. It appears the babe knows when my heart is fully vested in him and he sleeps quicker and better. He knows when I am really "loving" him. Also it is a time of contemplation for me. The spirit talks to me. I feel good inside. My heart is touched and my gaze is guided to the place it ought to be.
I guess my main point or final thought here is that when we as mothers have our priorities straight (focusing our heart on our children) then we are more able to receive what we require and desire in our lives. Things work out. Our children are taken care of. We feel good about it. Our heart continues on in worthy pursuits.
Sometimes it might not be easy but it is worth it.