Humility & Deeper Learning

First off--- I forgot to say Congrats to Meagan and family! Bennett is adorable! ;)

As natural men, we all go through spiritual slumps. In my mutual days, I remember our Spiritual journey described as a roller coaster ride. Some days (or longer periods of time) we feel as though the world is on our shoulders and nothing we do is right, we are at the lowest low. But then, something changes and we keep moving closer to Christ and living righteously, we've reached the top. And, since we are imperfect, we inevitably come back down. Why? One reason: pride.

Heaven knows my imperfections and I attempt to work on them daily; sometimes that attempt isn't as successful as it should be and I always wonder why. A couple days ago I was feeling particularly low, then I got this gem (emphasis added):

How can I question without losing the Spirit? . . . All of us have questions at times in our lives on policies, procedures, or even principles. The best way to find the answers we seek is to search out the solution for ourselves."How do we go about it?"First and foremost, it is our attitude, or how we ask the question, that is very, very important. If it is a demand, one loses the opportunity for an answer."Second, if we have strong feelings about the way something should be and are unwilling to listen, we may lose the opportunity to get an answer." One only has to remember when Martin Harris wanted to take home pages of the Book of Mormon translation to show to others. Joseph Smith prayed to the Lord a number of times to finally be allowed to let the man do it. The Lord knew that the pages would be lost. But sometimes we want something so much and keep praying about it that the Lord lets us do it for our learning experience." Sometimes we are drawn into seeking and giving answers that bring recognition or notoriety to 'our' thinking and to 'our' opinion. Don't look for signs or answers that build you up. Humility and submissiveness to God will always be fundamental in receiving direction from Him.

Robert D. Hales, Gifts of the Spirit, Ensign, Feb. 2002, 17–18

How do we get answers? How do we get out of Spiritual slumps? We need to seek and then be willing to listen. We need to have the desire to learn, grow and become better.

Sometimes, when the right answer comes to us, we forget to listen. We forget to use the precious gift of the Holy Ghost because we think we know better. Pride enters and grabs hold. Like Martin Harris, sometimes the answer will come how we want it because the Lord wants us to learn and remember. Remember Him who is teaching us. Remember that He definitely knows better than we ever will.

Deeper learning and revelation only come when we strive to be like Christ and recognize that just in the striving we are becoming better. We are not asked to be perfect in this life, we're asked to do our best through being humble and following His ways.

To my fellow perfectionists out there, this is a good thing! His perfections make up for our imperfections; we just need to be humble enough to look to Him.

Mothering

I often ask myself this question: 

"Do all mothers feel the same way I do? Like they are failing...like they will never be the kind of mother they wish they could be?"

Answering that question may be a different feat for every mother. So my thoughts are on how I have felt about that question today. Yes, babies can be very draining to a mother's energy. The more my baby cries, the more I feel like I am going to lose my mind. 

But what I realized in his time of need was that I needed to be more fully present and understand his ordeals. He is just so little and so many think that such a small being isn't capable of much feeling or thought at all. But I disagree with those who would say that. I think my baby is aware of much. And although his memory may not be fully developed as of yet, his feelings are present..... until they change.

What I had to admit to myself lately was that I need to be less selfish. It feels like I had nothing much going on in my life until my little boy came into the world. I spent way too much time entertaining myself...basically just waiting for him to show up. And now that he is here I feel like suddenly I have all these pursuits that I have been undertaking and sometimes because of them I cannot give myself fully over to being a mother. And it isn't that my pursuits are bad or dishonest. It is that I let them overwhelm me, and take more time than I ought to sometimes. 

It is funny what music can do for our hearts. 

My husband was a dear and suggested something that I had never uttered the other day, but that I was feeling and thinking about already. That was to play the music from a CD I got at a baby shower for the baby while he is going to sleep. We just had been using the mobile and other little fishy contraption for this purpose. But that music doesn't play very long and I don't know if it is really best suited for helping a baby fall asleep. Anyway we pulled out my old CD player that I was sure wasn't working well, and put the CD in it. We have been playing it the last few days for him while he sleeps. I think it must affect him in a better way than the chimes do/did. It affects me in a much better way. 

I wrap him up in a blankie, turn on the music and just give him all of the snuggles and love from my heart. I decided to just listen to the music with my heart instead of focusing on "When is this baby going to fall asleep???!" (so I could go get something done) Wow. You know what? That approach real well. It appears the babe knows when my heart is fully vested in him and he sleeps quicker and better.  He knows when I am really "loving" him. Also it is a time of contemplation for me. The spirit talks to me. I feel good inside. My heart is touched and my gaze is guided to the place it ought to be.

I guess my main point or final thought here is that when we as mothers have our priorities straight (focusing our heart on our children) then we are more able to receive what we require and desire in our lives. Things work out. Our children are taken care of. We feel good about it. Our heart continues on in worthy pursuits. 

Sometimes it might not be easy but it is worth it.

Anxiously engaged

Yesterday was Stake Conference for us. Nick and I rushed to get ready and leave early so we could get decent seats. But of course even 20-25 mins early we still had to sit on a hard seat in the gym. I don't recall this same event happening to us in Utah much.

Oh well, but it was great. There were some really inspiring words spoken. Out of all of the words spoken I think I was most touched by this scripture as quoted by our Stake President:
D&C 58: 26-29

26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is ^acompelled in all things, the same is a ^bslothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

27 Verily I say, men should be ^aanxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

28 For the power is in them, wherein they are ^aagents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their ^breward.

29 But he that ^adoeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with ^bdoubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is ^cdamned.

Somehow I had forgotten about this scripture and in my mind and heart was pondering so many things. Mostly about why there are so many differing opinions in the church and why the people in the church are sometimes lazy and aren't do things as they should. Then I realized after reading this scripture that we are all agents to ourselves and we have to choose to be anxiously engaged in a good cause.

We don't have to receive everything by way of commandment. If we are searching for truth in our heart and doing our best to learn each day then hopefully that will equate to "being anxiously engaged in a good cause" for us. The gospel contains all truth that is supposed to fit together somehow.

This was consoling to my heart. I realized that the church is true, but not all of the members are true to the church at all times. In fact, I'm not 100% perfect in everything at all times. So why am I being judgmental of others? They probably are wondering why I'm not doing better at what they do well.

I think we can easily get caught in that trap that Satan sets for us. Instead of focusing on our eternal goals, we think about why other people aren't doing this or that. Then we can sometimes get off track and lose sight of what matters most. I hope that if any of you have this problem like me that you will get back on track soon! Repentance is a wonderful thing!

Love ya!
Trish

My Earthly Father

My dad turned 55 on Tuesday. You don't know him, but if you did, you'd love him. He's a great big polynesian guy that loves to laugh and dance and give to others. But the biggest thing he's given me is the knowledge that repentance is real.

My father's family was one of the first to be baptized into the LDS church back in the island of Fiji. However, by the time I was born, dad didn't want much to do with the church. He had made so many bad choices and he felt out of place all of the time. He was a grouchy and tired man without direction while I was growing up. And yet, it's almost funny to look back ten years ago and think that it's the same dad I have today.

When I was about seventeen, my cousin, Heather, got married in the temple. My brother, who had not been active for several years, decided that he was going to get married in the temple, too, and that his first step was going on a mission. He was wary of telling my dad because of how much animosity my dad had shown to the church before. My dad responded by telling him that he would pay for him to go. After that, my dad started going back to church. He had a lot of repenting, but he had such a determination to do it. I remember the day he passed the sacrament for the first time. He was all smiles and tears. Before long, they ordained him to the office of priest and the first time he blessed the sacrament is still a day that people in my home ward remember. At the part where he talked about the blood of the Son which was given for us, he just broke down in tears and the rest of the congregation started crying also. After this, my mother started going back to church and their marriage went from the brink of divorce to one that others envy.

And here we are, 8 years later, and the family I have now is completely different than the one I had back then. You wouldn't ever know that my family was inactive, except for when my dad shares his testimony about his experience and his gratitude for Jesus Christ in making his new life possible. I know that the Atonement didn't take away the past, but it made it so that it didn't matter anymore. My father is a new and improved father and my family is a new and improved family. And anytime someone has told me that they are too far off the path to come back, I tell them with tears in my eyes that I know for a fact that no one is so lost that God cannot find them and guide them back.

Nephi's Psalm

Last week, as I was studying my scriptures I came to the point in 2 Nephi known as Nephi's Psalm. This was right after Lehi passed away and, as always, Laman and Lemuel's behavior causes Nephi to reflect on theirs, and his, fate. If you haven't read it lately, here it is, if not skip down (2 Nephi 15-35).

15 And upon ^athese I ^bwrite the things of my soul, and many of the scriptures which are engraven upon the plates of brass. For my soul ^cdelighteth in the scriptures, and my heart ^dpondereth them, and writeth them for the ^elearning and the profit of my children.

16 Behold, my ^asoul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my ^bheart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.

17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great ^agoodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O ^bwretched man that I am! Yea, my heart ^csorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily ^abeset me.

19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have ^atrusted.

20 My God hath been my ^asupport; he hath led me through mine ^bafflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his ^alove, even unto the ^bconsuming of my flesh.

22 He hath confounded mine ^aenemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me ^aknowledge by ^bvisions in the night-time.

24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty ^aprayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been ^acarried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath ^avisited men in so much ^bmercy, ^cwhy should my ^dheart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I ^ayield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to ^btemptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my ^cpeace and afflict my soul? Why am I ^dangry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer ^adroop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the ^benemy of my soul.

29 Do not ^aanger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my ^aheart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the ^brock of my salvation.

31 O Lord, wilt thou ^aredeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of ^bsin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my ^aheart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may ^bwalk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy ^arighteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine ^benemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

34 O Lord, I have ^atrusted in thee, and I will ^btrust in thee forever. I will not put my ^ctrust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his ^dtrust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

35 Yea, I know that God will give ^aliberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ^bask ^cnot amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the ^drock of my ^erighteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

I absolutely love these verses. Nephi was willing to express the deepest feelings of his soul to the Lord and to us. He knew the plates would be translated in our day, so why would he put some of his truest feelings for us to read?

For me, it's nice to remember that Nephi was human. Usually, we depict Nephi, and other Book of Mormon (and Latter-day) prophets as these superhuman men who do nothing but choose the right. When the reality is that they do sometimes make mistakes, but they always return back to the Lord.

In his psalm, Nephi shows us how he struggled with feelings of inadequacy, anger and jealously, just like I do. But did he dwell on these feelings? No--He prayed. Verses 30-35 are a beautiful prayer in which Nephi proclaims his faith and trust in the Lord. Nephi knew and understood that even though times may get tough, the Lord is always on our side, as long as we are on his.

What else sticks out about Nephi's Psalm?

A New Year and A New Life

When I was reading the Ensign last week, I really enjoyed the article by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland called "The Best is Yet to Be."

His talk was timed perfectly for the new year and he admonishes us all not to live in the past, but look forward to the future in faith. Part of that, he says, is being able to forgive and forget.

He said:

"Forgive and do that which is sometimes harder than to forgive: forget. And when it comes to mind again, forget it again.

"You can remember just enough to avoid repeating the mistake, but then put the rest of it all on the dung heap Paul spoke of to the Philippians. Dismiss the destructive, and keep dismissing it until the beauty of the Atonement of Christ has revealed to you your bright future and the bright future of your family, your friends, and your neighbors. God doesn’t care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are and, with His help, where you are willing to go. ...

"This is an important matter to consider at the start of a new year—and every day ought to be the start of a new year and a new life. Such is the wonder of faith, repentance, and the miracle of the gospel of Jesus Christ."

If you have made mistakes (and we all have) or have been reveling in the "good ol' days" of the past (and we all have), now is the time to look forward with faith.

Forget where you have been and contemplate where you are willing to go. With the Lord on your side, it's bound to be farther and higher than you can imagine.

The Reason for the Season

I have been typing away for a while at this computer, and cannot get my thoughts to make sense in the written form, so though I would like to expound much more, I cannot. My thoughts have been regarding Mary the mother of Jesus. After each miracle she experienced or witnessed she held the experience close and pondered it in her heart. Every time I read that it floors me. And this is where I can't make any sense except in my own mind.

So, I would like to share with you instead something a dear friend of mine taught me last night. Malinda (my friend) was getting ready to teach her Gospel Principles class when she came across the question "what does repentance mean to you?" and she began thinking of that. Really, what did it mean to her.

I am not going to go into her experience much (if you would like to read it, go here) but I am going to share her scriptural thought. When the angels appeared the night the Savior was born
they declared they brought good tidings of great joy. She said that the glad tidings is the Gospel of Jesus Christ... the Good News. And the gospel is the Atonement of Christ. It's the fact that we can return to live with Him and our Father. And the Great Joy is Repentance. Because it is only through repentance that we can become clean. What a wonderful thought. A few years back I had the epiphany that the only reason we do celebrate Christmas is because of the Atonement. Without it, nothing would matter. There would be no reason for this season. How grateful I am for that.

And now, I leave you with a wonderful Christmas video Tricia emailed me. We thought that everyone would enjoy it. Merry Christmas and I hope the Spirit of Christ was with you all day, and can continue to be with you throughout your lives.

O Lord, Wilt Thou Redeem My Soul?

Before I forget, let me introduce myself. My name is Ashley Sokia/Gordon (I'm still on the fence about changing my name since I was married last month). I was with Hna. Ferrell/Trish the Dish in the MTC before I went to the Pennsylvania Philadelphia mission. She had the opportunity to get to know me during, what I consider, one of the hardest and most beneficial experiences I have ever had and I think we've become soul sisters forever because of it.

Speaking of hard, and yet beneficial experiences, I wanted to share with you a short insight into Nephi's Psalm that I think can teach us alot about the principle of repentance.

Nephi's Psalm is found in 2 Nephi 4:16-35. During this time in Nephi's life, he has just lost his father who was his mentor and best friend. On top of that, he now has no way to control his two older brothers who have tried on many occasions to hurt and even kill him. And what does Nephi decide to do? He decides to repent. During the time when his world is falling apart, when it would be so easy to blame others and be angry, he goes to the Lord and asks him to redeem his soul from the temptation to linger longer in sorrow. He goes to the Lord knowing that in his repentance, he will find joy.

When you cross-reference this scripture with the hymn book, the hymn that it links up to is number 98 "I Need Thee Every Hour." It brings tears to my eyes to think of Nephi, in the depths of despair, kneeling in prayer saying, "I need thee, oh, I need thee. Every hour, I need thee! Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee."

Repentance is real. It is turning to our Savior and asking him to save us from ourselves. Without repentance, we carry our burdens unnecessarily. I testify that it is in daily repentance we can all find peace and rest in our lives.