Mothering

I often ask myself this question: 

"Do all mothers feel the same way I do? Like they are failing...like they will never be the kind of mother they wish they could be?"

Answering that question may be a different feat for every mother. So my thoughts are on how I have felt about that question today. Yes, babies can be very draining to a mother's energy. The more my baby cries, the more I feel like I am going to lose my mind. 

But what I realized in his time of need was that I needed to be more fully present and understand his ordeals. He is just so little and so many think that such a small being isn't capable of much feeling or thought at all. But I disagree with those who would say that. I think my baby is aware of much. And although his memory may not be fully developed as of yet, his feelings are present..... until they change.

What I had to admit to myself lately was that I need to be less selfish. It feels like I had nothing much going on in my life until my little boy came into the world. I spent way too much time entertaining myself...basically just waiting for him to show up. And now that he is here I feel like suddenly I have all these pursuits that I have been undertaking and sometimes because of them I cannot give myself fully over to being a mother. And it isn't that my pursuits are bad or dishonest. It is that I let them overwhelm me, and take more time than I ought to sometimes. 

It is funny what music can do for our hearts. 

My husband was a dear and suggested something that I had never uttered the other day, but that I was feeling and thinking about already. That was to play the music from a CD I got at a baby shower for the baby while he is going to sleep. We just had been using the mobile and other little fishy contraption for this purpose. But that music doesn't play very long and I don't know if it is really best suited for helping a baby fall asleep. Anyway we pulled out my old CD player that I was sure wasn't working well, and put the CD in it. We have been playing it the last few days for him while he sleeps. I think it must affect him in a better way than the chimes do/did. It affects me in a much better way. 

I wrap him up in a blankie, turn on the music and just give him all of the snuggles and love from my heart. I decided to just listen to the music with my heart instead of focusing on "When is this baby going to fall asleep???!" (so I could go get something done) Wow. You know what? That approach real well. It appears the babe knows when my heart is fully vested in him and he sleeps quicker and better.  He knows when I am really "loving" him. Also it is a time of contemplation for me. The spirit talks to me. I feel good inside. My heart is touched and my gaze is guided to the place it ought to be.

I guess my main point or final thought here is that when we as mothers have our priorities straight (focusing our heart on our children) then we are more able to receive what we require and desire in our lives. Things work out. Our children are taken care of. We feel good about it. Our heart continues on in worthy pursuits. 

Sometimes it might not be easy but it is worth it.

Safety & Peace

Just a quick thought I had a couple weeks ago. At the beginning of {First Nephi Chapter 17}, Nephi explains the journey in the wilderness is taking a toll. They had "many afflictions." But, within their afflictions they were blessed. Nephi gives the reason in verse 3:

And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and ^astrengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them; wherefore, he did ^bprovide means for us while we did sojourn in the wilderness. {emphasis added}

Heavenly Father knows and loves each and every one of us. Right here in this verse, it says what we need to do to face our challenges: Keep the Commandments. If we keep the commandments, then the Lord with bless us to keep moving forward. Just like the {primary} {song} says:

Keep the commandments; keep the commandments!
In this there is safety; in this there is peace.
He will send blessings;
Words of a prophet:
Keep the commandments.
In this there is safety and peace.

Be Constant unto Me

I have always loved music; a lot of my spiritual memories are associated with certain songs. I know music has the power to touch our ancient spirits; awaken feelings we once had, but can't quite remember.

One of my favorite gospel-related song is the sacrament hymn titled, "Reverently and Meekly Now." I know I've sung this song for a long time but the lyrics didn't stick out to me until sitting in Choir during my Semester in Nauvoo. I'm going to do what our choir director did: I want you to take a moment to listen to this beautiful guitar rendition and read the lyrics. In particular, pay attention to who is saying these words:

Rev’rently and meekly now,
Let thy head most humbly bow.
Think of me, thou ransomed one;
Think what I for thee have done.
With my blood that dripped like rain,
Sweat in agony of pain,
With my body on the tree
I have ransomed even thee.

In this bread now blest for thee,
Emblem of my body see;
In this water or this wine,
Emblem of my blood divine.
Oh, remember what was done
That the sinner might be won.
On the cross of Calvary
I have suffered death for thee.

Bid thine heart all strife to cease;
With thy brethren be at peace.
Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be
E’en forgiven now by me.
In the solemn faith of prayer
Cast upon me all thy care,
And my Spirit’s grace shall be
Like a fountain unto thee.

At the throne I intercede;
For thee ever do I plead.
I have loved thee as thy friend,
With a love that cannot end.
Be obedient, I implore,
Prayerful, watchful evermore,
And be constant unto me,
That thy Savior I may be.

What is so special about this song is how it is written from the Savior's viewpoint. We listen to Him, He who died for ALL our sins, plead to be obedient and remember Him as we partake of the sacrament. How wonderful it is to be reminded every week of the covenants we've made to be like Him! We are reminded of His amazing sacrifice, all because He loves us---'with a love that cannot end.'

I think of this hymn every time I take the sacrament and wonder if I'm doing enough. Does He know how grateful I am for Him and His love for me? Does He know that I hurt every time I sin because I just did another thing to make his suffering increase a little bit? Does He know how much comfort I get from knowing He truly knows how I feel?

Because of this song, and other manifestions, I know He knows me. I know He loves me and He loves you. I know He blesses me, even when I don't consider it a blessing. I know through His marvelous atonement we have the opportunity to repent and correct ourselves to walk in his ways and be constant unto Him. For that, and more, I'm grateful for OUR Savior.

I Will Sing With the Spirit

Amy's post got me thinking about the song "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief." Everytime I get an opportunity to sing all seven verses of that song, I just cry my eyes out. It's always verse six that does me in:

My friendship's utmost zeal to try, he asked if I for him would die.
The flesh was weak, my blood ran chill, but my free spirit cried I will!"

I always hope that I can be that strong, determined, faithful and humble someday.

I love my moments that I have with songs that have to do with the gospel. I don't only mean hymns, either. There have been many an EFY song that has brought me to my knees in tears. I would like to share some of those moments with you and I hope that as you visit this blog during the week, you will share your hymnal moments of bliss.

When I was in the MTC, we had an amazing speaker who talked about the lineage of Joseph Smith and his amazing family. At the end of the fireside, we all stood up and sang "Praise to the Man." There has never been a more powerful testimony of the prophet that to see so many missionaries, with tears in their eyes and hope in their hearts, sing their testimonies of the great man who brought them the gospel that they had left their homes and their lives to go and share with the world.

On my mission, my trainer really loved the song, "A Little More Like Thee" by Mindy Gledhill. The chorus says:

"Have I blown all my chances to be less like the captive and more like the free?

More like the innocent child in me? Or maybe just a little more like thee?"

After I came home from my mission, I pondered these questions often. Did I take full advantage? How can I remain free from the captivity of the world? It always seems like a daunting task to become like the Savior, the perfect, loving, self-sacrificing, Son of God. But every time I become someone that resembles him just a little more, I know that I'm at least on the right track.

And finally, there is a CD that is called a Nashville Tribute to Joseph Smith, which I am sure you have all heard. The songs were inspired and made me ponder many things: the struggle of Emma Smith as she cared for others and lost her family, the loyalty of Hyrum Smith and the strength he must have been to his brother, and finally the simple beauty and the singular miraculousness of the First Vision.

Music can be a great amplifier for the Spirit. It can also be used to drown it out. When I was on a mission and I didn't have headphones in my ears all the time, I often wondered how the Spirit was able to get my attention at all with all the noise I had going on in my head. I've seen people get addicted to music, using it as a way to constantly control their mood or as an escape from problems that needed to be addressed.

My personal goal this week is to listen to more uplifting music. Life is crazy busy and I miss the quiet contemplative times with my MoTab CDs and Piano music. If your life is stressful, too, I invite you to do the same. Oh, and make sure you sing along.