Monday, April 8, 2013

New Feelings

I wanted to share my learning experience with all of you.  This was written on my personal blog about a month ago:

As I was at my OBGYN appointment two weeks ago,  I started to feel a little nervous.  Such is always the case when I have to get my blood drawn.  This was the glucose test.  I tried to eat minimal carbohydrates and sugar since the night before which threw off my comfort because I was trying so hard to pass that glucose test.  I was also a little nervous to see what would happen during the ultrasound.  We had a second ultrasound to see how her heart was doing.  There is nothing wrong with her heart as far as we can see, but seeing the little white spot bouncing around in her heart during the last ultrasound made me more inclined to want to check it out and they were more than willing.  She has an intracardiac echogenic focus.  They say quite a few babies have it, but some of those babies have down syndrome. I am not really worried.  Down syndrome doesn't run in our family and the white spot alone isn't the best indicator that she will have it.  Even if she does have down syndrome, Eric and I will still be thrilled to have her as our child. I was still nervous to see the ultrasound in case something else came up though.  I was also feeling a little frustrated because I was having one of those days where I felt really uncomfortable.  I have on and off days, and that day was definitely an off day.  While I was trying to relax and gear up for the poke, I went into the bathroom and looked at my belly in the mirror.  I had a life changing moment.  I spoke to her, like I tend to do at times.  Don't worry, I was pretty quiet. I said, *sigh* "I hate doing all these things baby, but I am doing them for you. I will gladly do them even if I hate them since it is the only way to get you here." Then I thought to myself, "If the only way to get you here was to go through this entire experience all over again, I would do it." I knew I loved her, but I didn't realize how much until that moment.

Eric and I talked about this later.  We noticed that we loved our baby at the moment we knew that she existed.  In a lot of relationships, love has to take it's time to grow.  But with this child it has been effortless.  Things may change as she is growing and will do things that drive us crazy, but what I hear from other parents is that you still love them no matter what they do.  This reminded us of both the Savior and our Heavenly Father.  Heavenly Father has loved us just for existing.  We haven't been able to do nearly as much for Him as he has done for us, yet he still keeps on giving and loving.  The Savior went through so much pain and suffering for each and every one of us because of his love for each of us individually.  I can imagine him saying something similar to what I told my baby girl, "If I needed to go through all that suffering again to get you to return to me, I would." I don't have multiple kids yet, but I can see a better glimpse as to how Heavenly Father can love each of us individually and want so much for each and every one of us.  It was easy for me to comprehend that he loved us collectively and wanted all of us to return to him, but it was difficult for me to understand it on a more individual basis.  I knew He loved me individually but it was hard for me to understand that He had such a strong love for all of his children and has a personal relationship with all the countless billions of us.  I can see how my parents keep a good relationship with all of us, but there are only four of us kids!  I guess the idea of loving so many people so deeply is still mind-blowing to me, but I can better imagine what it is like.  The same goes for the atonement.  I understood it as a collective event because Jesus Christ loves us all collectively.  I knew He loved me as an individual but it was a little hard for me to comprehend that He died for me individually when there were so many of us he was suffering and dying for.  After I had those feelings of being willing to suffer for just one of my children, I can better understand that He suffered for each of us on an individual basis as well.

How wonderful it is to have the gospel and experience little hints of how much love comes from our Savior and our Heavenly Parents.  I love this baby girl and Eric more than anything in this world and I am so blessed to have them.

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